So, I saw this movie with a friend this weekend–Friday to be exact. Now, of course, we knew we were talking about a Vin Diesel movie (bad sign #2)…one where the marketing program seemed to kick in late (bad sign #2)…and there was a cool explosive scene…count ‘em…”a”…singular (bad sign #3). And before some fanboy ass complains that “no way, man, there were cars exploding and shit”, I said “cool”.
Cut to the chase: the chase is the movie. I’ll do my best to not spoil the movie for you but seriously, I’ll likely be doing you a favor in these days of $10+$20/person movie experiences (ticket + concession junk) if I told you what happens. Sure, there is some kung fu (c’mon, Michelle Yeoh is in this flick, she can’t sneeze without spinning in the air and snaping two necks, an arm, and someone’s leg on the way down). But, nowadays, it’s largely filler. There’s the aforementioned cool explosion which lasts all of 10 seconds. And there’s the would-have-been-cool-before-google-maps-and-multi-touch map scene.
All that amounts to about $2.50 of the ticket price. The remainder contains a simplistic plot bracketed on the end by the most deflating and unsatisfying ending. I mean, what the fuck? You can’t suck enough for putting this shit out. It’s like, we spent the last hour and a half running around through various bleak environments with a cute French chick, Gerard Depardieu with someone else’s voice, and a lot of potential and you give me this shit?
Please…if someone could just let me know what the fucking point of the movie was, outside of a documentary on how shitty the world will be and how much of a pain in the ass travel will be, I’d be a happy man…don’t tell me it’s something about hope because they don’t explain how that’s gonna happen. Don’t tell me it’s about the evolution of man because it wasn’t (and there’s nothing to say it was really evolution). Don’t tell me it’s an excuse to have Vin Diesel be tough because he came off a stupid instead.
If you haven’t seen it and are sane enough to heed my warning and either avoid it entirely or at worst use your Netflix or Blockbuster subscription (don’t you dare spend $5-6 on a rental…and I’ll be pissed if I hear you spent $20 on an in-room hotel charge for it), just save your money and wait for something more substantial…go watch Traitor or something…
CSO