You Can’t Suck Enough

So I had a chance to see this load of shit early and I’m so glad I didn’t waste time going to some stupid midnight showing or taking friends or family to this thing.

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Why, you ask, don’t I like it? We’ll get to that in one sec. Let’s start with the previous movie. That movie wasn’t bad. Shia LaBoeuf was funny, Megan Fox was hot, the Transformers were cool, and I’m a military nut so the whole thing at the end with A-10s and a AC-130 raining on the parade was beautiful. John Turturo’s character destroyed the happy mosh pit of geekdom with the stupid wacky childishness that I thought was a fluke of the first movie.
One other disclaimer here. I have this theory that Michael Bay is fine if he’s with a good producer that reins him in when he gets out there too far. Joel Schumacher did this well with some of their movies (not saying everything they did was good but it was “under control” at least). Steven Spielberg is EPing this series it seems so I figured he kept the previous movie under control with that one Turturo slip up. But, when Mr. Bay has no one controling him, you get the Island.

Here we are then, with the second in what I’m sure is going to be a trilogy at least. Outside of the 2.5 hour length (yup, one hour more than they needed), here’s some more of what made me cry out FFS multiple times through the screening:

Megan Fox’s Airbag

Sweet fancy moses, she inflated her previously delicious lips. Some of you might not care but dammit, when a girl smiles and it looks like someone squeezed a sausage, it hurts…my dick wilted in 0.001 second…almost as fast as when Turturo showed off his scrawny ass in a G-string…for fuck’s sake…

Annoying Assed Characters

They added this one guy who serves no purpose whatsoever in the plot except to be some really lame attempt at comic relief…in a movie with a much more talented comic in Shia LaBoeuf…there were scenes with him in it that made you wonder what the fuck was the point? Was he sucking the director’s cock? Was he an exec’s nephew? ??

Robotic Self-Love

Now, I’d be the first one to say some of the transformations of those robots were fucking awesome. The Bumble Bee chase scene in the first one was one as was the arrival of Megatron in the city scene at the end. But, they were cool for a reason. They tended to be fast and were fluid. This time around, there’s a lot of time wasted like when Optimus Prime transforms so he can stand up and talk. It’s all of 30 seconds but it’s tedious…we’ve been here before guys, anything new? It’s probably the result of all those music videos…he’s the master of slo-mo waving flags and long panning shots of aircraft carriers.

Soft Porn

I love sex and all but do we have to have dogs humping in the middle of a scene for no apparent reason? Do we need to see a robot humping a leg? Do we need to see Megan Fox splayed out in the lap of the aforementioned useless sidekick? I know YOU’D want her to be but it’s such fucking grade school humor…I kept asking myself if a fucking kid wrote the script to this movie. Oh, and really? Did we need to see two big metal balls? I mean it’s fucking stupid…get to the fucking point. After all, this fucking movie was TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS LONG…you think you could spend more time on the next issue?

Anti-Climax

I’m not going to give anything away…I love torturing souls. But, and this was a partial complaint from the first one too: why do the fucking battle scenes have to end so fucking fast? It feels like a blind date where the guy takes all fucking night to convince the girl to let him fuck her only to take 10 seconds to blow his wad prematurely. Take for example the scene in the first movie where Optimus takes on that big crane thing (Brawler, I think) on the freeway. There’s this whole lead up–which was actually fucking cool with the running transform and ice skating-like move as he takes out a bus–but then they fall off the freeway and Optimus slices and dices his head…bam, over. Huh? Is this what Michael Bay’s used to in real life? Fuck. Draw it out more…make the fucker bleed…make it hurt…show us parts flying, oil spewing some fucking shit more than Wham Bam, Thank You Ma’am!

Say What?

One last gripe which is a personal thing since, while I can suspend my disbelief to some extent, eventually my patience wears thin. How’s about spending more time building a cohesive story (this thing was all over the place) and being at least a bit more accurate with some shit?  The Air and Space Museum is in the middle of Washington D.C. Millions of people have visited it. There is no field filed with derelict airplanes behind it…everyone knows this…why in God’s name would you think it’s OKAY to fuck around with that?

And, how’s about using a DIFFERENT set this time? The fucking climactic battle takes place (at least for a while) in the same set they used in the first one during the desert encounter with the scorpion Decepticon! Jeez…you have the budget to film in five locations to piece together enough film for 20 minutes of film time (count it, they’re in Tunisia or someplace, two places in Egypt, White Sands, a fucking construction/mining operation, and I’m guessing Camp Pendleton).

Meanwhile, there are holes in the script that you just can’t ignore. Some kook is going to phone a captain and convince him he’s got the authority to call an assault??? Your house gets blown up and it’s cool…no one’s questioning you or arresting you? You’re a ten ton armed toaster and you’re going to favor switching to auto mode to ferry some troops around at 20 mph? You’ve got a wicked power you only use in the climactic battle for 10 seconds??

Then comes the worse part. Like I said before, I’m a military junkie. Nothing gets me harder than watching A-10s decimate tanks or seeing a battleship list as it fires its cannons. They build it up, kick up the music, talk about Alpha packages, throw some Bravos in there, and you drop a couple of bombs? Huh?

Sorry, but I can’t possibly stand by and let people go into that movie thinking things are alright. Sure, parts are entertaining and Megan Fox’s bod still rocks, but when you’re groaning at the thought that oh, shit, he STILL needs to go there and do that before he can go back there and do this to get things going? Oh no…

I only stayed because I hoped for a good finish or something but it never came. If I had to rate this crap, it’d be a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best. Why 4? Count ‘em:

+1 for Megan Fox’s bod

+1 for military presence.

+1 for some cool sequences

+1 for Shia LaBoeuf’s talent

And, the reason this review is titled what it’s titled? Because this piece of shit’s going to still do well in the box office and further inflate his ego until he thinks he can shovel a bunch of shit into a can and call it a movie. Because the subject and a couple of standouts (Megan’s body and Shia’s talent) keep this from being another Island.