You Can’t Suck Enough

You may already know about my love affair with Apple. The honeymoon was over ages ago. We’ve passed through the wanton gaze across the dimly lit table at that dimly lit Italian place on the corner phase. We dove head first into the period of turmoil where Apple keeps taking all the covers from me in the middle of the night only to accuse me of doing the same the next morning.

Now, we’re squarely in the “I sacrificed everything for you” phase. I want  divorce!

What’s the deal now, you say? Well, it’s an old problem actually. I’d been wondering for months why the hell Outlook (2003, yes I’m behind the times; I’m not apologizing for using what works and what doesn’t cost me another $300) would close (the window that is) when I closed it but would remain running in the background (the process). I first noticed it when I was getting e-mail alerts (you know, those little pop-ups telling you you received something from someone and giving you a preview of it?) even though Outlook was closed.

At first, I thought I’d been hacked and someone’s little trojan was spewing Viagra sale price e-mails across the Internet, using my precious as a spawning ground for the putrescence that was spam. I monitored traffic outbound. Nothing unusual. I ran virus scans. Nothing. Rootkit scans. Nothing.

So, for a period I’d just watch the process and if it stayed running for longer than 10 seconds, I’d just kill it. Of course, once every 10 times or so, I’d launch Outlook and it would bitch about my not closing my PST file properly (“You left the door open again, dammit!”). Then on a hunch, I considered what might be tied into Outlook that might keep it running after I explicitly closed it AND is produced by a company that loves introducing bugs into their Windows products without worrying about fixing it…ever? Wait for it…Apple!!!

The hunt began. I saw the iTunesHelper. Hmm…killed it but no dice. A bunch of other Apple services were running but they didn’t seem likely. Finally, after reading some posts and doing some more deducing, I happened upon the iTunes Outlook COM Add-In.

Found you!

Unchecked that sucker and restarted Outlook. Now, when I close Outlook, 5 seconds (my computer’s slow as crap…failing hard disk I think) Outlook’s process disappears into the computerized ether. Of course, the Add-In is required in order to sync contacts, calendars, etc. So, I guess you have to pick your poison.

In my case, I’m keeping it in place but I’m cursing Apple and their engineers every fucking night when I’m done with e-mail but still need to use my computer. Gotta sit there watching…waiting…for my prety to stray too far outside of it’s 5 second window…then BAM! Kill that process!

Apple, here’s to you. Here’s to making products for Windows that are obviously intended to make you hate using them in the Windows environment and to switch to almost care-free Apple products…like their sizzling Macbooks. You can’t suck enough, my friend.

Lates Suckers~!