You Can’t Suck Enough

We here at the YCSE offices already have a love/hate relationship with Anti-Virus software. It’s one of those necessary evils. We definitely don’t want the viruses, trojan horses, etc. that lurk out in the dark corners of the net but we also hate paying up for an app that interferes with installs and everyone and their mother recommends we turn off when we install or use their program.

I used to be a devoted fan of Symantec’s Anti-Virus. It hummed away fighting crime in the background. Then Symantec bought Norton and soon enough it was Norton Anti-Virus. And as the spiral continued down into the depths of corporate greed, the business practice made famous by Microsoft kicked in…bam! Now we had yearly versions that you just HAD to buy because, fuck sake, if you didn’t the latest virus out there will bend your computer over a table and take it good and slow.

So a year ago as another yearly edition showed up at the door asking to come in…whispering sweet nothings through the little hole in my front door…I decided it was time to forage for another AV solution. I searched around and eventually found…lo and behold…a free AV solution that a lot of people liked. Okay, I say a lot of people but like just about anything built and/or coveted by humans there were factions. There were the SAM (Symantec Anti-Virus Manly app…fuck if I remember what the M stood for) elitists, the NAV diehards, and this new faction of AVG rebels. Mine’s better…no mine’s better…yours blows…your sucks…

And, me, the former elitist turned reluctant die-hard was turned to the rebellion and joined the circle jerk that was AVG Free. Finally, I said to myself, I can uninstall NAV and look at that shit, suddenly twenty different processes and services with different names I could never track were gone! Exchanged for three or four that all started with avg! Better yet, no more $30-40/year tossed out the window so I could get the current year up in bright lights on the NAV interface!

Don’t get me wrong…there were bumps. An update wouldn’t install because the files on the server were corrupted. Never fear! Members of the rebellion had solutions. Download the installer, sacrifice a lamb and presto! Updated. Then, my hard disk starts to sputter. Okay, time to transfer files to a new location. What’s this? I need to uninstall and reinstall AVG…let’s get the latest edition. Check the Web site and…hmm…the “full” version is $34.99 but it scans for Rootkits! Sure I’ve got a free program called Blacklight that hunts those bad boys down. But, it’s built-in! And I can schedule more than one scan! Oooo…okay, AVG’s been good to me, I’ll be good back. I buy that bad boy and install. Nice and simple and I’m un and running.

Then…it happens…

Oh Shit, it's the Runtime packed fsg!!!

Okay, I consider myself a pretty savvy tech guy. I know what the cidaemon.exe is (Windows’ Indexing Service), I get what a process ID is, etc. But WTF? WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM? There’s so much wrong here. Start with the error, “Runtime packed fsg” Uh, what the fuck does that mean? The runtime packed the fsg with something? A sausage? Then there are the details. Wow. Thanks, I’ll assume that you mean that was the process that was trying to do something with that sausage-packed file. Good luck for the poor soul who hasn’t a clue what a process is.

Then there are the options…set aside the fact that I don’t know if this really IS a problem (it does say Information). Best one: the remove checkbox. So, if I remove it but don’t want to ignore it or add it to the exceptions…uh…what do I click? Try the question mark…nope, just a useless help dialog that says “Hey wow, you’re in the resident shield dialog! Cool.”

Wait, wait…there’s a More info link…click that, you say? Sure. What do I get? The AVG site with a “Resource could not be found” message. Say what? I look for a support or contact us link…there..it’s called LC_Contact? What’s LC, fucker? Clicked. “Resource could not be found.” Okay, I click the logo to get to the home page. Bam…content. Phew. I’m saved. Click on Support in the upper right. “Resource could not be found.” 404 for the win. Hmm…my Web dev sense is tingling.

I refresh the page. Bam. Content. So, after about ten pages of “Resouce could not be found” – Refresh – Refresh, I finally send a relatively irate note saying WTF?

Then I do what I should’ve done in the first place, Google and BAM: Thank you Avira! Maybe I should’ve installed you instead…

AVG is on the list…it can…and it can’t suck enough…damned love-hate relationships…only time will tell.

So long suckers!

OUT