I don’t know if you have one of these sorts of movie theaters in your area but here in Los Angeles, there are a handful of theaters and theater chains (if you can call them that) which are trying to differentiate themselves with a few nice features:

1) Assigned seating (no more struggling to find a place for you and yours)

2) Stadium seating (no more fuzzy borders for your movie)

3) Bars and 21+ screenings (so you can enjoy that crappy movie your girlfriend wants to see because you’ll be drunk)

4) No late seating (so that jack-off who weighs 400lbs doesn’t drop popcorn all over you while smashing your feet as he tries to get to his seat).

That last one is the the reason we’re here today, class.  Is it a good policy? Damned right it is. I’ve been in enough theaters where you’ve got to watch silhouettes of morons trying to find their seats 15 minutes into the movie.

Here’s the thing though: late seating isn’t a crime. It’s not nice and it can be annoying but it doesn’t always have to be. Here was my situation today:

1) Delayed by a last minute work thing.

2) Traffic for no apparent reason at 10:40 am. It’s usually find by now, especially on a Friday.

3) Finding a parking space.

4) Dealing with a disorganized and slow concessions stand–you’ve got to love it when they have 3-4 people behind the stand and just two customers, one of which is me, and it still take 5-10 minutes to get to me and get my order filled.

All told, I was 30 minutes late. Sure that sucked and was well beyond any time I’ve been late to a movie. But check it out:

1) It was a 10:45am showing on a weekday.

2) I’ve been to plenty of screenings on weekdays, though at more reasonable times (like 12 or 1pm). Even popular movies have no more than 20-30 people).

3) The theater seats upwards of 400 people and has stadium seating.

4) I was in an aisle seat…I’m ALWAYS in an aisle seat.

5) The theater has a back door.

6) I’m a paying customer at 10-fucking-45 AM. I’m like solid gold. You’re showing the movie whether the theater’s full or not.

This is the point where you as a supervising member of staff at the theater have to decide something. Is it better to have an irate/pissed off/disappointed customer under these circumstances or do you make an exception, collect your $34 dollars (with concessions after all), and find some way to accommodate a regular customer?

The Letter of the Law

Let’s put it another way. When it comes to laws (as in those that say you can’t kill someone or something like that), there’s this idea of the “spirit of the law“. It basically means adhering or enforcing a law based on what it was intended to do, rather than just following it to the letter. Hell, California’s even got one of these “fuzzy” laws to govern driving rules.

For instance, if you have a law that says something like “You can’t kill someone.” You look at that and understand what it means…you aren’t allowed to just kill someone. Nice, great law. Wait, what happens when that someone is a murderer who’s trying to kill you? The letter of the law says you can’t kill someone so guess what happens when you snuff out that murdered in self-defense? You’re getting a priest and a needle.

But, the spirit of the law would interpret it more like, “You can’t kill someone, unless they’re trying to kill you.” And, I think most people would agree, that is what you’d want to enforce.

I know, I know, extreme example. But it’s a simple one too. Just like customer service. I’m sure you’ve been the victim of some stupid (or maybe even good…most of the time) customer service policy at some company. Why? Because not every customer service department head or policy maker is a genius at customer service…and not all of them are guided by ensuring the customer’s well-being is top priority–they’ve got to make money too.

Customer Service

Still, you’ve seen both sides of the story I’m sure. For instance, if you’ve ever made a purchase from Zappos you’ve probably experienced some great customer service. Whether it’s them randomly upgrading a shipment to overnight free of charge or just dealing with their hassle-free (and, well, free) returns policy, they do a great job of customer service because they think about the customer first. They aren’t giving away the farm but their policies are designed to keep the customer happy since happy customers mean return customers and more revenue.

Meanwhile, you’ve got other companies that will charge you restocking fees, return shipment costs, and make life as hard as possible for you to return items and otherwise deal with the “abnormal” aspects of commerce.  In fact, a lot of companies seem to hide behind their policies, whether it’s a returns policy or some other policy that is meant to protect the company in some way.

What’s the point?

Which brings us back to this issue. The theater in question? Arclight Theaters. Will I go back? Probably but they’ve definitely lost points here. I mean c’mon. It’s like some fucking idiot standing in front of a stand of chairs surrounded by rope with a sign saying, “No late seating.”

You walk up, there’s not one seat with anyone in it. You ask the idiot: “Can I get a seat?”

Idiot: “Sorry, sir, the event started 30 minutes ago.”

You: “But, no one’s sitting in there.”

Idiot: “Sure, but you’re 30 minutes late. We don’t seat anyone after the event starts.”

You: “But, it’s not like I’m disturbing anyone…no one’s sitting there!”

Idiot: “Our policy states we don’t seat anyone after the event starts.”

You: “WTF?”

Idiot: “Sorry, sir, those are the rules.”

You: “How about if I give you some money…after all, who’s going to pay for the event?”

Idiot: “No thanks, if you’d like us to give you some money, please step over to the customer service booth.”

You: “Wait, you want to give me money that I’m happy to give you?”

Idiot: “Yes, we don’t need it. Our first priority is customer service.”

You: “I’m a customer.”

Idiot: “And we’d be happy to provide you with service at the booth.”

You: “You love your job, don’t you.”

Idiot: “Sorry, sir, I don’t have a stored response for that statement. Please go to the customer service booth.”

You could almost make a movie out of that…but then, who’d want to be on time for that piece of crap?

Moral of the story: Figure out what you’re here to do. If you really want to take care of your customers, stop gripping your policies like a security blanket and start paying attention to what you’re saying to your customers when they’re most unhappy…you might actually learn something.

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Here’s more…

Michael Bay needs to go back to music videos.

1) I know JJ Abrams likes lens flares (see also  Fringe) but for fuck’s sake, can you STOP getting them into your films?!? There was a scene where the lens fucking flare actually obscured the scene! Hello? We’re here to see the multi-million dollar movie you put on, not some amorphous blue-white supernova. Maybe this is just a cheap and simple way to do the Mystery Box thing without having to actually figure one out?

2) I won’t go into detail to avoid spoiling the movie for people but let’s just say what happened to BSG is happening to ST now. Maybe it’s okay but I swear if Bones turns out to be the Messiah or something, I’m going to hunt down JJ and make him watch COPS reruns for hours, eyes taped open.

3) Good work on all the little easter eggs and tie-ins to the original series…one thing though, if you’re gonna avoid the “classic” Star Trek theme over the titles could you at least make it good? “STAR TREK” comes up and all you get is a nebulous ball of noise…with someone banging on the bass drum (or rather hitting the bass key on their frigging keyboard). Sure you threw it on the credits but, uh, that’s when the movie’s over and you’re leaving the theater…People remember themes…Someone in the theater before the movie recognized the Back to the fucking Future theme of all things. Bang, bang…bang…bang…will not be remembered.

Okay, gripes over. Yes, it’s a good movie, go see it and pay their production budget off so they can make another one before all the actors die of old age.

done.

p.s. this says it all:

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As ‘Fun, Watchable’

Suffice it to say, it tells the story well…I can’t say it was an exciting or otherwise orgasmic experience cause I’m not a fanboy. It’s always great to see some justified asskicking (thank you, Mr. Rorschach) but otherwise, it was too much shit to fit into a single movie. A mini-series might have been more appropriate, doucebags.

One complaint, though, is the fucking music. It’s like the guy who green-lit the music (likely the director but I’m sure someone else convinced him…well, maybe they did) is an idiot. While there were some great pieces being played they made no fucking sense. Upbeat music during relatively calm scenes was a common thread and it was stupid. I get it…you want us to tie the 70′s or 80′s song with the time period…great, thanks, we’re not stupid. We can figure it out.

Not sure if you should see it? Here’s a simple way to figure it out:

Do you like The Watchmen already? Are you into comics? Do you like comic-based movies? Then SOLD, go drop your lunch money on that bitch and we’ll see you on the other side.

Everyone else: consider the DVD a great option. At least you can pause and take a break to play a video game or something.

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And, yes, that IS an affiliate link to Amazon…why? Because if you like that shit enough to buy it, then we deserve to make money on you. Sucker…

Cut to the chase: the chase is the movie. I’ll do my best to not spoil the movie for you but seriously, I’ll likely be doing you a favor in these days of $10+$20/person movie experiences (ticket + concession junk) if I told you what happens. Sure, there is some kung fu (c’mon, Michelle Yeoh is in this flick, she can’t sneeze without spinning in the air and snaping two necks, an arm, and someone’s leg on the way down). But, nowadays, it’s largely filler. There’s the aforementioned cool explosion which lasts all of 10 seconds. And there’s the would-have-been-cool-before-google-maps-and-multi-touch map scene.

All that amounts to about $2.50 of the ticket price. The remainder contains a simplistic plot bracketed on the end by the most deflating and unsatisfying ending. I mean, what the fuck? You can’t suck enough for putting this shit out. It’s like, we spent the last hour and a half running around through various bleak environments with a cute French chick, Gerard Depardieu with someone else’s voice, and a lot of potential and you give me this shit?

Please…if someone could just let me know what the fucking point of the movie was, outside of a documentary on how shitty the world will be and how much of a pain in the ass travel will be, I’d be a happy man…don’t tell me it’s something about hope because they don’t explain how that’s gonna happen. Don’t tell me it’s about the evolution of man because it wasn’t (and there’s nothing to say it was really evolution). Don’t tell me it’s an excuse to have Vin Diesel be tough because he came off a stupid instead.

If you haven’t seen it and are sane enough to heed my warning and either avoid it entirely or at worst use your Netflix or Blockbuster subscription (don’t you dare spend $5-6 on a rental…and I’ll be pissed if I hear you spent $20 on an in-room hotel charge for it), just save your money and wait for something more substantial…go watch Traitor or something…

CSO